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Step 1 Name your iPhone

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic."
Step 2: Plug it into your computer.
Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel.
Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Category: Miscellaneous jokes
What is the difference between

What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.

Category: Boycott these jokes
Q Why did God give

Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: To walk from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Category: Sexist jokes
What did Pink Panther say

What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? "Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant."

Category: Word play jokes
Q What do you call
Q: What do you call a snail on a ship?
A: A snailor.
Category: Vehicle
Q Why did the ink

Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.

Category: Clean jokes
Q Which sexual position produces

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.

Category: Sex jokes
A man a lawyer a
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Category: Hair color
Why did the chicken cross

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side.

Category: Miscellaneous jokes
Most people want a perfect

Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.

Category: Miscellaneous jokes
A man and his wife
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Category: Beverage
What do get if you

What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.

Category: Holiday jokes
What did the Zen master
What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Category: Animal
What did the skeleton tell

What did the skeleton tell the doctor in the club? I need some body to dance!

Category: Holiday jokes
Q What did the cannibal

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.

Category: Word play jokes
Last Tuesday as President Bush
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."
Category: Political
Golfer Do you think my

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Category: Sports jokes
How do you catch a
How do you catch a green elephant?
Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.
Category: Animal
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Category: Pop culture jokes
Q What do you have
Q: What do you have when you have a cow and two ducks?
A: Milk and quackers.
Category: Animal
Q Why is a river

Q: Why is a river rich?
A: It has banks on both sides.

Category: Word play jokes
Q What kind of bar
Q: What kind of bar do fish go to?
A: A sand bar.
Category: Bar
A businessman enters a tavern
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Category: Bar
After 17 years of marriage
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely.

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.
Category: Music
Q Why did the snowman

Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants?
A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.

Category: Holiday jokes
Yo momma so fat when

Yo momma so fat when she registered for MySpace there was no space left.

Category: Technology jokes
The children of Amazon cannibal
The children of Amazon cannibal tribes think Chuck Norris is the Easter Bunny because he hides body parts for them to find every Easter morning.
Category: Cannibal
Did you hear they finally

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Category: Sexist jokes
A ventriloquist is performing with

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

Category: Blonde jokes
A child asked his father

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Category: Family jokes
Paddy Englishman Paddy Scotchman and

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotchman and Paddy Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. Paddy Englishman goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. Paddy Scotsman goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. Paddy Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH SH*T!"

Category: National jokes
Q What do you get

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Category: Food jokes
Q What has more lives

Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.

Category: Word play jokes
Chuck Norris once worked as
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Category: Celebrity
Mr and Mrs Brown had

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Category: Family jokes
Your mum is like the

Your mum is like the sun: big, round, and hard to look at.

Category: Yo momma jokes
Q How do you turn

Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?
A: Turn off the light.

Category: Clean jokes
A man was walking in
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Category: Vehicle
The children of Amazon cannibal
The children of Amazon cannibal tribes think Chuck Norris is the Easter Bunny because he hides body parts for them to find every Easter morning.
Category: Celebrity
Q What do snake charmers
Q: What do snake charmers do in the rain?
A: Turn on their windshield vipers.
Category: Animal