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The content of these pages brings together external sources, whether they are written pieces, online publications, suggestions from our visitors or local folklore. Of course, it is not intended to be offensive for anyone and it should be treated accordingly.
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Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.
"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."
They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.
"Do as I do! Very important!""intoned the guide with great urgency.
"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.
"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"
Only one person cried when Chuck Norris was born and that was the doctor.... no one slaps Chuck Norris
Your mom is like a brick: flat on both sides and laid by Mexicans.
What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say?
His and Hearse.
Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
A: Because he could never lie.
A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
Chuck Norris was born in the log cabin he built himself.
What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.
Q: What do you call a vicar with a boner?
A: An erector.
Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
Boss: "Certainly not!"
Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
An American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?” “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the jungle?
He got so excited, he threw up his arms!
Have you ever noticed how humans are a lot like lemmings? Try standing at a crosswalk, and then before the light even turns green, take a step and see how many people actually step out along with you. And how when you are waiting with a crowd outside a locked business, there is always one person that comes along, pushes through the crowd and tries the locked door. As if everyone was just standing there for fun! Come on people!
Q: What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A: The black one steals your watch.
A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Yo mama so old, she had to babysit Jesus.
How do you catch a polar bear?
First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.
Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
A: So it could become a first-aid kit.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Get a new car for your spouse; it will be a great trade!
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says, "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
Q: What does Mortal Kombat and a church in Helsinki have in common?
A: Finnish Hymn!
Q: Why did the cookie cry?
A: Because his mother was a wafer so long!
Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
A woman decides to get a porno, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title. When she plays the movie, the screen gets fuzzy and nothing is going on. When she calls the store about the movie, they ask her what the title was, and she says, "Head Cleaner."
How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot?
A woman is in the maternity ward, having just given birth to her baby. The doctor comes in, cradling the child in his arms. As he is about to give it to the woman, he drops it on the ground, kicks it into the wall then throws it out the window.
"OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!?!?!"
The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."
Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine?
A: Knock on the door.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Why did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.