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The content of these pages brings together external sources, whether they are written pieces, online publications, suggestions from our visitors or local folklore. Of course, it is not intended to be offensive for anyone and it should be treated accordingly.
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A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate expert?
A: A pork chop.
Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?
A: Because he was a party pooper.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
Q: Why are vampires so easy to fool?
A: Because they are suckers.
Brunette: "Do you see that dead bird?"
Blonde: [looks up] "OMG! Where is it?"
Yo mamma so stupid she tried to use her MetroCard at Subway.
What do cars eat on their toast? Traffic jam.
Question: What’s the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender?
Answer: There’s always a 50/50 chance the blender isn’t on
Yo mama so ugly, when we took her to the beautician, it took her 12 hours... for a quote!
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the snow for too long?
Two old timers were talking after church one day and the one asks the other, "So tell me brother, what did you think of the soul food this morning?" The other replies, "The food was excellent but the service sucked!"
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without hesitation, he quickly downs all of them. "Wow," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
There once was a man named McCrass.
His balls were made out of brass.
When he clanged them together,
They made stormy weather,
And lightning shot out of his ass.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
Q: Why did the girl wear glasses in math class?
A: It improves di-vision.
a blonde buys a record device that she is trying to hook up to her tv but she couldnt get it to work. frustrated after 3 hours of trying she calls customer support she tells them she wants to wants to record a tv show but she couldnt hook it up. so the man came to her house and took a quick scan and nods twice. he says first of all thats a record player an- the blonde interrupts and says REALLY!!! whats that do? ...it plays music he replied. also why are you trying to hook a record player to a radio?
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called up the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch. Shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Yo mama so dumb she tried to make an appointment with Dr. Pepper.
Yo momma is so ugly that when she walked into Wal-Mart they turned off the security cameras.
Dear NASA, Your mom thought I was big enough. - Pluto
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats?
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Despite whatever Gene Simmons says, Chuck Norris IS Doctor Love.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
A local man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile
If silence speaks a thousand words, how loud is a thousand words?
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1,000 letters?
A: Post office.
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:
"British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."
Q: What does Miley Cyrus eat for Christmas dinner?
A: Roast twerky!
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the entire country of Australia for 44 minutes.