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The content of these pages brings together external sources, whether they are written pieces, online publications, suggestions from our visitors or local folklore. Of course, it is not intended to be offensive for anyone and it should be treated accordingly.
Moreover, we are looking forward to receiving suggestions and new jokes from our readers or anyone else willing to actively participate in the content development process.
Yo momma is so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Yo momma is so poor she went running after the garbage truck with a grocery list.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
A substitute for a Catholic priest is hearing confessions. He is confused about what to recommend a confessor should do to rectify guilt sustained, after doing a sexual favor for her boss. He sticks his head out of the confessional and asks a nearby alter boy what the father gives for a bl*wjob. The alter boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a ride home."
Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A woman is in the maternity ward, having just given birth to her baby. The doctor comes in, cradling the child in his arms. As he is about to give it to the woman, he drops it on the ground, kicks it into the wall then throws it out the window.
"OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!?!?!"
The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."
Q: What do you call a sad coffee?
How do you fix a cabbage? With a cabbage patch.
A deadly Texas Tornardo knows better than to damage or destroy any property or anything that belongs to Chuck Norris or any of his family if the Tornardo knows what is best for it because Chuck Norris is God.
My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?"The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
Yo momma so fat, she uses the Kool-Aid man for a teacup.
From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
A turtle that was crossing the street was mugged one day. The policemen came to help and asked him what happened. He replied, "I am not sure, it happened too fast."
Yo momma so short she can tie her shoes while standing up.
Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
As I rowed my little boat
Toward the river shore,
A small black bird kept me from landing,
Quoth the raven, "never moor."
Q: What do you call a running chicken?
A: Poultry in motion.
A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
Yo mama is so fat that when I had sex with her I had to roll over two times to get off of her.
What do you call a musician with a college degree?
Night manager at McDonalds.
There once was a boy named Jimmy. Jimmy was 8 years old old, almost 9. Jimmy NEVER got in trouble. So one day, he was doing art with his class at school and he broke the purple plate. His teacher said "Jimmy! You broke the purple plate! Go to the office!" So Jimmy went to the office, as he was told. When he got there, the principal asked him, "Hi there little Jimmy! Why are you here??" Jimmy told him about how he broke the purple plate. The principal said, "YOU ARE EXPELLED!" so Jimmy went home and told his dad about how he was expelled. His dad told him that he had to go live with the hobos because he broke the purple plate. Feeling glum, Jimmy went to live with the hobos. After a few days, he developed a good friendship with a man named Martin. He had purple eyes, which Jimmy thought was strange... One day, Martin gave Jimmy a dollar and told him to go buy some milk at the convenient store across the street. So Jimmy walked across the street and was his by a truck and died.
What was the moral of this story?
Look both ways before you cross the street or you will get hit by a truck.
Yo mama so ugly, when we took her to the beautician, it took her 12 hours... for a quote!
Q: Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
A: He wanted to feed the mouse.
Your mum is so fat when she went on the scale it said, "To be continued..."
Chuck Norris is the reason for JAL flight 123
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has, getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
A guy falls down in the street. To make sure he is not embarrassed in front of the neighbors, he crawled all the way home.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.